When my friend Leslie Bradshaw, a woman who absolutely inspires me with her energy, ambition and insanely sharp business intellect, asked to interview me for her Forbes blog series “More Seats,” I said yes, with the understanding and intention of bringing more awareness to the lack of women contributors and editors in Wikipedia. Originally, Leslie was going to name the series “More Role Models” but changed it to reflect her purpose of addressing three major problems women face: not having enough women “at the table,” not enough women holding positions of power, and not enough women prevailing as role models.
When I began responding to Leslie’s questions, which ran the gamut of topics from the glass ceiling to work-life balance, I found myself having more and more reservations in answering. I didn’t tell Leslie this, but a part of me didn’t want to do the interview because I doubted my own worthiness as a role model.
It was in conflict with a lot of things I was taught growing up. I questioned why I was deserving of being interviewed. In my house, boasting in any way is “unbecoming.” And talking publicly about something so intimate and unsavory as being sexually harassed at work is disdainful. Then there’s the fact that I discussed my pursuit and passion, screenwriting, that has yet to produce any external reward.
Together these created a month-long delay in my responses. Until something happened that reminded me what it means to be a role model and why Leslie’s column is so important.
I was surfing, like I typically do, on a Wednesday evening in southern California. I’m still a beginner surfer. I have yet to graduate from my learner board. I’m at the point where I can stand and ride a wave but I fall a lot, especially when I take waves bigger than a few feet, which is affectionately called “eating sh$t” in surfer world. I eat sh$t a lot, but I have fun and improve each time I go out and that’s all that matters to me.
More times than not, I’m the sole female surfer in the water. This evening was no exception. There were plenty of guys surfing but I was the only “Betty.”
So there I was doing my thing, when I notice a girl, maybe 10 or 12 years old, in the water nearby, staring at me. She must’ve watched me for a good 5 or 10 minutes, which made me feel completely self-conscious and I’m wondering why this little girl has an optical lock-in on me. Then she disappears. Goes back in shore. And I resume my uninhibited surfing fun.
Ten minutes later, she’s back in the water, but this time she has her dad with her and he has a surfboard and she’s asking him to teach her how to surf. And half the time the two of them are watching me and mimicking what I’m doing in the water. That’s when I realized the power of role models and how important they are for anyone in a minority position.
Gloria Steinem recently said at the Fortune Most Powerful Women Summit, “We do what we see, not what we’re told.”
We become role models by doing. We learn and follow by seeing. I might have been the worst surfer out in the water that evening (which I don’t think I was), but because that little girl identified with me more than anyone else, I was her role model.
It made me appreciate the beauty of Leslie’s series all the more by reminding me of the power in seeing and hearing other women’s stories and that to be a role model, we just need to do, even if it means falling along the way. Who knows who might be watching.
You can check out my interview with Leslie in Forbes is here.
Honestly i hate the pill. Every girl I have ever been with had some serious problem with it. Not only did it affect their bodies it affected our relationship and my sex life.
So when it comes to calling it the liberating savior of the female world I laugh. Maybe it is and it just hasn’t reached the poor the people of the world.
I can tell you this. My brother is in the Peace Corps in Namibia. His crew is teaching about health. I have often thought about what this means in a society without big-pharma.
You think he is telling the Namibian women to “just get on the pill”?
It forced me to think about the world outside of the big-pharma. Now dont get me wrong drugs save lives, but in our society drugs are “lifestyle choices”. If we didnt have that choice, like Namibian women dont, what would I tell them about healthy sex?
I would say that it is inarguable the freedom it gave women when it was first widely distributed, but you are right in saying that we have not progressed since then. There should either be a viable men’s version by now (50 years is plenty of time to develop this) our at least something that has much fewer negative effects on the woman’s body.
Kudos to you! I hadn’t toghhut of that!
What a thoughtful piece. Yes, I too am in favor of technologies and norms that allow women not to be forced to have children and that protect unwanted children from being conceived (and possibly aborted). Bravo to birth control! Bravo to all that!
But it’s time for us to move on to something much better. The Pill just isn’t good enough. It has wide-spread side effects that are physical and psychological. What about safe, non-hormonal options? Cervical caps, for example, are safe and highly effective. But no company in the US produces them any more because they cost about $5 and you only need one every few years. The Pill – $50/month or more, in the pockets of drug companies. Why would they cut off that gravy train?
The establishment push to be on the Pill is huge. From the time I was very young – before I started needing birth control for anything – every doctor I saw tried to push the Pill. Yes, they want to prevent unwanted pregnancies. But even as an adult, I have been bullied into being on the Pill by docs who deny or minimize the serious side-effects.
Like you, I tried them all – and wound up with depression, mood swings, weight gain, and a libido so dead that I had no use for birth control in the first place. It was like being a half-dead zombie, or some female equivalent of castration.
These days, my partner often comments that I have sex-drive “like a man.” No – I have a sex drive like a healthy, biologically-intact woman – a woman who isn’t on the Pill!
SO: What is to be done? Social norms that make reproductive decision-making solely the woman’s concern and drug companies who profit extensively from the Pill … Where does the impetus for change even start to come from?
[email from a friend]
Amy, so well said! I loved your commentary. I think the beauty of living in this country is that women do have the options of birth control which are both effective and affordable. For me personally, it’s anything but liberating. Taking hormones daily which alter my mood and libido is definitely not what I consider to be an acceptable option for me any longer (although I agree it’s probably a dream come true for both pharmaceuticals and men!). Don’t get me wrong, I used the pill for several years, and it served its purpose, and I know many women who are happy with it. But now after being off of it for several years, I truly notice a huge difference with my body and I won’t ever go back to taking it. Now that I’m older, and realize my body deserves better. And maybe someday there will be better options out there for women, and hopefully more focus will be placed on the man sharing in the responsibility. But that won’t happen until women start demanding it and realize they deserve better.
-J
this is interesting, from twitter:
jamesbt: @robotchampion See — http://bit.ly/ajGJ7x — http://bit.ly/9Mse3X — (non-pharma family planning methods). Does you brother in Namibia know them?
Amy – thanks for writing this. There is no woman who’s life experience isn’t deeply affected by her fertility.
The invention and availability of the pill was an inflection point in human rights and women’s free will and free choice. That does not mean it is the final word, so to speak, and the ability to reflect on its contributions and impacts – both positive and negative is in itself a luxury and a responsibility. Who was it who said that freedom must be earned by every generation?
This type of reflection is what is required to enable the next generation of progress in understanding gender, equality and free will.
btw – I looked it up. It was Coretta Scott King who said –
“ Freedom is never really won you earn it and win it in every generation.”
The pill should not stand as the end of the conversation or science of reproductive and contraceptive rights.
You’ve got it in one. Couldn’t have put it bteter.
I have worked in Pharmacies where certain Pharmacists refuse to dispense birth control while they are working, due to their religious beliefs.
I grew up in a state (Utah) where birth control was never talked about when I was a teenager. I was brought up that you only have sex when you are married, so I never really worried about it. As I grew older, the “waiting till you were married” was thrown out the window.
I’ve taken birth control for 8 years and luckily I haven’t had any side effects. (Including libido, moody, etc) This may have something to do with me taking the active pills (skipping the last week) for 3 months and giving my body a week break. Besides that the point is Drug Companies are “trying” to replicate hormones in our body, and whenever you put something foreign in your body, there’s a potential for side effects.
I’m glad that women have the right to decide if they want a child or not. It hurts knowing people like your grandmother had to go through that. I also agree that guys have a responsibility to protect themselves too. STD’s are still at risk, and even condoms won’t give you 100% guarantee from them.
Great post Amy!
just to be a pill here…
(i had to do it)
just what is the male “role”?
don’t get infected?
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